Standing at the door of a Church gate fast, feeling the wind against my face, clearing my head of all thoughts, forgetting the destination, forgetting the commotion inside and the more messed up world outside, I wanted to let go..to take up another option. To do the unconventional. To break the ‘template’ we use to design life.
I had always dreamt of having a clear picture of life by 20. I am 20 now and I could not have been more confused. As you go ahead in life, the more options you choose, narrower gets the scope and suddenly now I find myself between walls of engineering, electronics and some vaguely defined lines drawn by myself. Surely this isn’t what I was aiming for.
And standing there, I saw nothing. Nothing at all that clicked somewhere. With a hundred things to do, with a zillion things to study and endless papers to fill, I look back and hardly find anything that I have ‘learnt’.
Studied..yes. Understood..yes, to some extent. Learnt..hardly. Liked..nope.
Can’t we take a detour? Can’t I just get down at another station? Or better, get in a train with no destination and get down at an unfamiliar station. Find my own way and spare myself the obvious course?
Where I am today is a straight product of the life I have chosen, out of no pressure, no prejudices. I have had resources available to not many in this world, so no complains there.
Then why isn’t this moment satisfactory?
Where am I lost?
Why am I still looking out for something else?
( All thoughts described above have been heavily influenced by the ongoing exam..the time when you hate engineering and MU the most. So please don’t consider taking me to a therapist 
)
Somethings get etched onto your mind forever. Some nightmares scare you, some thoughts anger you, some fears haunt you and some tears drown you…
And none of these emotions come even close to what I feel today. Maybe even I am shallow enough to remember it only on its anniversary and express my opinion only now. But to be honest, never since(26/11) have I looked at the Taj without that grey shade lingering in my mind. Never have I walked in a public place without a lookout for something suspicious. Never have I felt safe. Never again have I lived completely. Because somethings get etched onto your mind forever…
It goes beyond 26/11 or Mumbai local train serial blasts. When you find terrorists bombing and destroying the very place you grew up spending half your life, places which define your childhood, places of fond memories, you break…
You can’t take it when your city cries and you are standing there witnessing everything helplessly… And all you can do is light a candle a year later or pay your respect by sitting in the same cafe having beer, showing that nothing has changed. “We stand tall”, we boast. But what about all the things we have lost? What about the things we still fear to lose? What about those glimpses of bloodstained corridors and platforms that still haunt us?
Our city has not stopped crying..it never can…not until we give ourselves a truly satisfactory explanation as to the steps we have taken to punish the guilty and to prevent a recurrence. And needless to say, we are nowhere close to that.
Can I venture out of my house and look back and say “I will be back” with confidence? I want to believe that I can. But again, you can’t fool yourself. I am not safe when my city cries..
I can’t move on..I can’t get over it. But nor do I want to find every news channel having round table conferences about what went wrong and who is to be blamed. Nor do I want to read that Rs. 31 crore have been spent to keep a mass-killer alive. Nor do I find pleasure in knowing that one year later, all Pakistan has done is finally press charges against a couple of terrorists involved in the blast. Nor do I want to wait for a long fair trial. I want to get over with it. Put a full-stop to the endless chain of investigations and controversies that follow a terrorist attack only to be broken by another attack. And the vicious cycle continues..and my city continues to cry…
I look up at the sky and see free birds flying fearlessly. I love my city’s pale blue skies. To me they symbolize the infinite scope of progress, happiness and hope that Mumbai has to offer. To me they define freedom and peace. And I do not want to see the night sky lighted up in the blazing fire of terrorism again. What has left my city in tears is not just the act of terrorism, it is the fear that follows..
Somethings make more sense to us than others. Somethings strike a cord somewhere and sometimes we can identify with them at a whole new level. And at that point, you have this sense of excitement, joy and self realization.
It is the time when you just connect.
Have been listening to a lot of ‘Wake up Sid’. Sometimes shallow commercial movies also can have somethings to teach. Some feelings to express. Some logic and some words of encouragement.
Just hum these lines to yourself, they are as if, written only for you.
“yeh jo kahein woh jo kahein sun lo
baat jo sahin dil ko lage chun lo
karana hai kya tumhe yeh tum hi karo faisala
yeh soch lo tumakao jaana hai kahaan
tum hi musaafir tum hi toh ho kaarwaan.”
The next stanza is simply brilliant. Seems like an extension of me.
“Aaj bhi dekho kal jaisa hi na ho
aaj bhi yuun na tum sote hi raho
itane kyun sust ho kuchh kaho kuchh suno, kuchh na kuchh karo
ro padon ya hanso jindagi mein koyi na koyi toh rang bharo.”
I could repeat it a hundred times to myself and yet feel the connection each time I hear it.
Live life. Break free. Redefine your horizons. Please your heart. Look beyond the obvious. Take that leap. Get hurt. Fall down. Stand up again.Do something.ANYTHING!
In a neck tied schedule of daily assignments, boring lectures and seeing the same old faces, came a wonderful break of Diwali. And suddenly the dark neighbourhood was lit up. Its rather amusing to see how only little diya can vanish the darkness and lit up our moods.
The traditions needless to say were followed. Nothing new. It was just another Diwali. But then I looked around. We always have a choice. To celebrate Diwali because we have to, or to celebrate because we want to.
And it was then that I decided that I wanted to celebrate not ‘my diwali’ but capture the diwali spirit of different sections of the society. Diwali is Diwali, for the rich or the poor. And I found it extremely amazing, how everyone wants to celebrate in the most limited resources as well.
There is a complete change in attitude. I could sense it. In strangers, in friends, in family, in me.
In a meagre 4K salary, my maid bought her son a second hand PC. She must have saved I know, she must have refused too numerous times, but diwali is when you let yourself free. Bring a smile on your loved ones’ faces.
Very rarely I get to hear those golden words “bol tula kaay pahije”. And Diwali just seems to do it for me. Suddenly your parents are pampering you and you have every reason to splurge…its Diwali after all..
But I found some unique changes too…changes in me..on a normal day I would look away from a beggar at a signal, but last week, I didn’t think twice before handing out a 5 rupee coin. Not once but a good 6-7 times in the week. Maybe it is this feeling that let others should have their ‘diwali’ too and let there be happiness..let there be celebration and festivity..
I have always been amused by the sheer number of festivals we have here. From Makar sankrant to Christmas, there is always one around the corner. Specific traditions for each, and sometimes we do go overboard with them too. But it is rather fascinating how a festival brings positivity and happiness in the household. And we need such breaks. Life is fuller this way.
You never know where life would take you from here, how and where your next year would be..so I had a good Diwali this year and I am sure I would look back at these days and feel good about it.
Leaving you with a few Diwali photos..
( taken with cell phone camera so don’t mind the blurred ones)
Whose Diwali is better? That of a child sitting before a diya in a humble house or of a spoilt child in a culturally dead mansion?
Some colours enrich your life
First things first. After a couple of humble attempts of drawing rangoli, it all came down to today’s final one. After a few discouraging remarks which only made my resolve stronger, this is what I came up with today.
I know its not great not even good enough. But it is my idea. My implementation and done in a record time of 10 mins. Not bad eh?
Looking back at the to do list. I have checked off most of the things and the last one being, a mother-of-all posts..coming up in a bit..couldnt stop myself from showing off my “art”.
Happy new year!
And this one goes to Rohit! One Diwali we would burst crackers together.Either here or there.:D
So today was narakchaturdashi…and lakshmi pooja and ofcourse I was determined to check a few things off my to-do list..
After a morning of killing the ‘rakshas’ and getting myself tortured with ‘utna’, it was time to get into my best and go seek God’s blessings. So here I was, certainly not in my best, thankfully not in a saree, looking at a pool of what seemed to be a ’shaadi ki baraat’ in front of the Parleshwar Mandir. It is a tradition here in Parle to go to this particular temple right after the Abhyang Snaan and I was practically looking at the whole youth of Parle there. ( No good looking guy, sigh!) Anyways, after a lot of “hiiiieees” and “long time, you have reduced yaar”, I could manage my brief private moment with God. A year that I can happily survive and difficulties only small enough to overcome is what I asked for, and I was off. Yes, the photo sessions followed which would be all over facebook and orkut by now..
A lot of sweets can make you sleepy. 
I love afternoons.
Lakshmi Pooja was a fairly serious and smooth affair and yes, I tried my hand at Rangoli drawing today too..so you have to see it today as well…temme have I improved?
The Lakshmi footsteps are always going to be there, simply because they are a convenient thing to do..I have shamelessly copied the ‘toran’ from my neighbour’s Rangoli but hey, the Swastik was my idea…tomorrow I am doing to have a proper design in mind)
BTW, I burst my first bomb today…it is always great to overcome your mental barriers and go out there and do what you really want to…good fun..try it..Happy Diwali once again…
Its diwali and suddenly I wanted to revive old memories…there are some many things I used to do when I was a kid and I have unknowingly given up…from fighting with my brother as to who gets more crackers to not bursting them at all..from being the first to attempt drawing a rangoli to buying a ready made thing to be stuck..I had apparently grown up too soon…so this time, in a deliberate attempt to celebrate Diwali as a kid, here is what I am planning to do…
1. rangoli every single day..much to my moms annoyance
2. crackers..I am going to light a lakshmi bomb this time round
3. eat a lot of sweets…faraal rocks..
4. let mom do everything her way…from the ‘utna’ applying tradition every morning to cleaning the whole house.( which I already did btw)
5.capture some diwali moments on my 3.2 mgpixel cellphone camera n satisfy my new found photography urge..
6.write the mother of all posts kinda post about diwali..ekdam dilse…
to begin…this is what I made today…
‘why those well made laskhmi footsteps?’ you may be wondering…coz mom gave me this God-sent stencil..the diyas are entirely my creation…I think it is well understood…btw,the white footsteps have red nailpolish on them ok? and yes..finally frustrated and completely bored, I found my ‘engineer-ish’ way out and filled the space with “HAPPY DIWALI”..God bless the one who created the concept of language!
Empty roads. No need for brakes or horns for minutes. No street fights, no beggars, no haphazard road crossing by pedestrians. No over-smart rickshaws. No rash BEST drivers. Clearly not the Mumbai we live in right? Well it’s not the Mumbai you see during your busy day. It’s the Mumbai under the moon.
Not every day do you get permission to be out late night. At least I don’t. So when I did, there was no turning back. The windows went down and the music volume went up. No, there was no liquor. I have not really understood the need for it, but from what I have heard, it’s all about the ‘kick’. Well Mumbai was more than enough to provide the kick, and feeling the gush of cool air on our faces as we cut through the silence of the night, was our absolut alcohol.
After 11 in the night, boundaries and borders don’t exist. It’s not about Andheri, Bandra, Worli or Churchgate anymore. Coz on those blessed traffic-less roads, you seem to fly past everything in a flash.
From college to Bandra over the sea link to Worli and finally to Nariman point and back was the basic idea. Or so it seemed.
The sea link is a magical place. And it is divine at night. With the dark sea on one side and the glistening skyline of Mumbai on the other, with the salty waves dashing on the humongous pillars and adrenaline pumping in you as you literally glide on that magnificent marvel with a sense of pride, excitement and most of all, coming out of it overwhelmed by the whole experience, the Bandra Worli sea link is surely worth all the 10 years of shit gone into its making. All through, we all had our heads out of the windows and ‘Wake up, Sid!’ blasted on your eardrums. Each one was in his/her own world, taking in the best of Mumbai.
Nights are supposed to be peaceful. We had broken the silence. After the initial enthu slowly died down, came the real beauty of the city. Worli to Nariman Point was a relatively calm and the Queen’s necklace was another spectacular sight. We drove in silence. Taking in all the hustle bustle on those streets even at this hour.
After a small halt there, it was time to turn back. The clock was ticking and the dreaded call was imminent.
Worli sea-face was where we actually got down. Our legs had been cramped for a long time and it was time to experience Mumbai the real way. First we stood there looking at the black sea. We could only see the white foam as the waves hit the rocks. Something was missing.
I cautiously sat on the parapet and everyone followed. Then we slowly stood up. And then it was only the endless sea. And then its only about you. You and the unseen horizon. You and the unknown. And suddenly the unknown had a tremendous calming effect. The salty wind softly blew on my face and my hands were lifted involuntarily. Though it may seem really funny, I loved my brief feeling of being at the best place on earth. There couldn’t have been a more right place and a more right time for this.
I could stand there forever and be the happiest person on earth. That moment was peace for me. But the ‘moma ringtone’ screeched through the tranquil atmosphere and my heart skipped a beat.”Where are you? Who is dropping you? You said you would be back by 12.” “Coming aai, I am near santacruz. Traffic ahe.” ”I have been staying here for 45 years sweetheart and I am your mother. Stop lying and come home.” The line went dead. “ I am screwed” is all I had to say and the race against time began.
Back on the sea link, everyone was silently enjoying the breathtaking view and the untimely rain was like the cherry on top!
You and your city would always connect. Because you know it in and out. You know its best and you are aware of its worst. And you live through both.
I can never have enough of Mumbai. And it is times like these when you know, what you blindly love is actually worth so much more.
Till when should you hold on?
To an idea. A resolution. A decision. A dream. A bond. A friend. An institution. A thought. An experience. An ambition. A wish. A feeling. A life.
When is it time to let go?
Or is there a time?
Life is never going to be well defined. It’s not always the ‘school-college-love-heartbreak-work-marriage-kids-pay raise-retirement-incomplete ambitions-peace’ way. In most cases we just try to manoeuvre our life accordingly. We try. We always try. But till what?
We look around. We dream, we aspire. We want. We WANT. We care. We want to be cared. We want things to last forever. And we struggle for that. We keep struggling forever.
As cynical as it sounds, but don’t we in most cases end up hurting ourselves with our own expectations in life? Why do we expect life to turn out in a specific way?
We want people to behave in a particular way. With us and with others. But aren’t they individuals just like you? Why would people do what you want them to? Why?
We want circumstances to be according to our wish. We will never wholeheartedly settle for anything else. Even if we are lucky enough to get what we want, are we happy and relieved? Or are we still hoping for it to last?
Do you ever thank God without the next wish lined up?
Every day I learn something new. About life. About how to be. How not to be. Life is like one huge onion. You keep peeling off one layer at a time. To discover what had always been there. If you try to slice it in one go, you would end up crying. Enjoy each layer of it.
Your tomorrow isn’t going anywhere, but your today is.
It is always about us, isn’t it?What I like, what I don’t..what I will, what I wont..
But till when? When do we give up? When do we ease the pain? The need? The crave?
I laugh at my decisions in the past, I ridicule the way I used to think, or the stupid mistakes I have committed. I look back and wonder if it was really me? And then I realise, it’s a process. A few years or maybe months down the line, I would laugh at this very post( which by the way I have done with a few older entries) . But life after all is all about looking back once in a while, because it is when you look back that you realise what it has made you now.
I never let go. I always try. And I keep trying.It hurts me. I have been advised to change. To accept. To give up once in a while when it isn’t working out. But somehow I can’t. Just another drawback maybe. I always hope.
Hope is a good thing right?
I will hold onto life forever.
Who doesn’t have problems? Who doesn’t find life imperfect and who doesn’t crib once in a while? Or at least spend a moment in melancholy solitude regretting something. We all do. Life is good but many times not good enough. But life is about all those not -so-good-enough moments after all.
You can sink to the deepest darkest pits of self pity and sorrow and let circumstance and time drift you to unknown locations of depression and ‘loser-ness’(if I may say so). But you can also go about it differently. Surprise yourself…shock life itself!
- Get yourself the most colourful huge delicious ice cream and walk off. On the road. Care not about the people staring at you. Nor about the melted ice cream ruining your sleeve. Or the dogs barking. Or that stupid rickshaw driver honking his horn. Or that low gloomy thought which had made things difficult. Or what he or she said the other day. Or what they meant to say. Or what you think they meant to say. Or what they didn’t say. Let go.
Eat it like a child. Set yourself free.
- Sing. Aloud. Shamelessly. And if this is coming from me, trust me you have to be really shameless to sing aloud with a voice like mine. Add your own illogical rhyme or beat to it. Go high or whatever that is called. Makes those intense expressions. Feel the song. Live the song. Don’t care about the world. They never cared about you.
- Go to the beach. Watch the waves crashing onto the coast. Breathe in the salty air. Observe the amazing sunset. The beautiful colour shades that nature has to offer. Get lost in the horizon…in the serene enormity of the ocean. Clear your mind. Listen to those waves. Their ever-changing yet uniform movement can make you sit there for hours.
- Walk. Keep walking. With no destination. No, not with loud songs playing through your i-pod headsets. Just walk. Think about life. About insignificant events. And feel good. Or bad. But feel something. Stop going numb. Analyze life. Find a way out of the rocky paths of life. Keep walking till you are sorted out.
- Look around. People around you are going through worse. You are lucky; cheer up. Go help someone who needs it. Life would be greener. For him. For you.
Let’s stop waking up only because its morning. Get up because it is one more day God has gifted us to make the best of. Every moment is unique and special. Because it’s not coming back. Ever. Let us make ourselves believe that life isn’t about just living, it is about LIVING it the jhataak style!
